April 2, 2012

I am starting this blog without knowing if I will ever share it with anyone. But, whether it's been the grocery list, things I want to accomplish over the weekend, or my feelings, I have always felt the need to write everything out.

I'll start with where I've been.

I was a lean kid up until 3rd grade. I developed a lot of allergies, and I had the scratch test where I reacted to pretty much everything on the planet. I had to start taking daily allergy medicine. I am told by my mom that she spoke with the doctor after I had gained some weight and that she found out that an ingredient in the allergy meds caused hunger. I would still say that even up through my 1st year of college I was only "slightly overweight." At least, looking back now at pictures, that's what I think.

9th Grade

12th Grade

Can you believe this girl thought she was a blimp? It's hard for even me to realize how skewed my picture of myself was.

I always felt like a bit of a celebrity in elementary and middle school - I had so many friends. But then I moved the summer before high school. I never truly felt accepted. It feels a little dumb to say something like that - like an 80's movie about high school, but I guess it's true. I got along with most everyone, but I had no more than 3 true friends at any given time. I assumed no one liked me because of how I looked. There is something horribly mean one of my brother's classmates said about my weight that when I think about it still makes me cry to this day. It's not something I can repeat here because of how vulgar it is.

Looking back now, I realize that my weight probably had nothing to do with my relationships in high school (at least I hope not). I don't think I was ever excluded on purpose, but few people reached out to me. When you join a group of people who have practically known each other since infancy, sometimes it's hard to break in and claim a place. Especially when you don't feel like you're worth it.

Then came college. I was engaged, in love, happy, and confident. Clay was in the marines, and I was so proud. Life was going to be fantastic.

When he was in boot camp, and the only way I could communicate with him was by written letter, I found out I would have to undergo surgey to remove a large cyst. This was the beginning of my "female problems."

A couple years later came the diagnosis of polycystic ovary syndrome and the dreaded weight gain. My blood work showed my hormones completely out of whack. I'm glad my friend, Emily, was at that appointment with me - it meant more than she knows.

I have had to fight for every pound since getting that disease. If I wasn't absolutely perfect in diet and exercise, I gained. And being perfect is tiring. Taking a bunch of pills is tiring, too, and I eventually went off of them all.

The marine core was tough, even though I wasn't even a member of it. I had to listen to marines talk about other marines who were a pound or two overweight as being "nasty." I never wanted to go to social functions and Clay didn't understand why.

In late 2008, after moving to Atlanta, I opted for a gastric band. I proceeded to lose 50-60 pounds, and in a little over a year I was able to get pregnant. The doctors mumbled something to me about weight loss resetting my system. But, my band was never quite right. I threw up all the time. Then, after the pregnancy, I was throwing up almost everything. I had to drink carbonation in order to stretch the band a little before I ate in order to keep anything down. After a few appointments and tests, the doctor decided the band had to be removed. He said that the band causes a funnel effect, and that some people's bodies just don't adjust to that and can't get food past the band.

We moved to Fort Myers 2 weeks after it was removed. This was hard. I had gotten comfortable with the people I knew in Atlanta, and now I had to try to meet people all over again, while my inner self was shouting that none of them would like me because of the way I looked. I tried really hard to be open, more so than I have ever been, and I think I have been really successful at that. But I still fight with that feeling, especially since my body doesn't know what to do without the band, I have gained the weight back, and without the feeling of restriction it caused I have found myself eating almost compulsively.

But I met a nurse who had a band, and then had revisional surgery to convert to a gastric sleeve. She works for a bariatric surgeon in town, and after speaking with her, I knew I had to make an appointment. That was at least 7 months ago.

Now my sleeve gastrectomy is scheduled for the 11th - 9 days away. Tomorrow I have a training appointment and find out all about the all-liquid diet that I will start in 2 days. I am both excited and scared.

Before this process moves forward, I want to take the time to remember some things about myself that I hope will change-

1. Every time I go out in public I worry that people are looking at me with disgust. I am especially nervous when I eat in front of people.

2. Few people know the real me. I hide a lot of who I am based solely off the fact that I don't think people will like me because of my weight.

3. I actually love fasion. But my favorites are shoes and bags - I don't have to worry about whether I will find something that fits, or whether my self esteem will be shredded if I try them on.

4. I love pink and I love everything about being a girl. I would probably dress myself like I dress Lily. But I have always been too scared to, because I thought I was ugly and people would laugh at any attempt I made to be pretty.

5. I haven't gotten my nails done in the last year because I didn't see any point. It wouldn't make the rest of me look any better.

6. Being in an airport is an extra level of anxiety for me. I am convinced that everyone is looking at me and hoping they don't have to sit next to me.

7. I don't ever want to be in pictures. I don't want to be afraid to be in pictures anymore, especially now that I have a child.

8. I worry that when my daughter grows up, she won't think I'm beautiful, she won't be proud of me, she won't want to be seen with me, and just thinking about that is reducing me to a blubbering mess right now.

That is basically my weight history and how it has effected me as a person. I generally feel great about who I am inside, the kind of friend and family member I am, the kind of employee I am, etc. But, I have let what I am on the outside take over everything. My hope is that can change, regardless of where this process takes me.

 

This will be my starting pic - one that only the photographer and select family members have seen, because I am too embarassed for anyone else to: